Weblog
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
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Currently
Friday Night Lights
By Various Artists
see relatedchemistry
no, not the kind involving periodic tables and stoichiometry. people-chemistry -- more specifically, the kind that brings opposite sexes together. the spark, the brief romantic period where guys and girls actually feel like they might work out for one another (before they really get to know each other and realize what they're going into). what is the obsession with the timing being just right? why does romance have to surprise and charm and make you feel emotions and that flowery bullshit? aren't we a little old to be getting butterflies in our stomachs?
maybe i'm just bitter, but i feel like we wait around for that magical moment, and before you know it, you're getting blindsided by old age and options start running out. and that's when 30-year old Jane realizes she's going to have to settle for 35-year old John because he can provide a stable lifestyle, despite the fact that it's a B- relationship at best. mammals in nature simply seek compatibility. i'm glad that as humans, we can advance beyond just finding mates for their hunting prowess and ability to reproduce (though that's all very important stuff too), but does it really have to come to "the right moment"?
i'm all about hitting it off with someone the right way, but i hoped we'd be mature enough by this age that we don't have to play stupid back and forth games. it's getting old, and so are we.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
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Currently
The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me
By Brand New
Untitled 03 (Brothers)
see relatedmellow dramatic
i try to avoid cynicism, but i'm definitely one of those so-called assholes who laughs at love. regardless of what i say on the outside, inside i am ridiculing romance -- or what people call romance, anyway.
i think it has to do with the efforts i've driven towards not taking life so seriously. there are definitely mental health benefits to developing a sense of humor that you can direct at yourself and the rest of the world, and i try to take full advantage of it. especially so when the situation calls for a serious face. however, the very reason that people try to remember to laugh occasionally makes it a bit of an issue at times. it desensitizes the mind, a bit. life becomes this big joke.
right now i'm reflecting back on one sunny day in central park. my then girlfriend was talking to me about why our relationship wasn't working, which was a pretty familiar topic at that point in time. i knew exactly where it was going, and usually i'd fall into a defensive position and fire back with all the reasons why this was working so well, why we were good together, and how much she meaned to me. this time though... as she started working herself into a low boil, i found myself tuning her out. i stared off into the trees and watched the wind move the branches, framed by the clouds in the clear blue sky. and the worst part -- i had to resist the urge to smile.
how ridiculous must we have looked?? people were still exercising, dogs were catching frisbees, babies were crying, the wind was still blowing, the earth was still rotating -- how insignificant the two of us were, stretched out on the grass amidst the hundreds of other people who had stopped by Central Park for whatever reason.
the relationship ended a little less than a year after, on our two year anniversary. there were other factors in play, but i think in the end, i just wasn't cut out for the long haul. i guess it just got too serious? it just got to a point where i felt like i put everything i had into it, and my efforts were futile (that's a story for another day though).
it doesn't make me any less of a fool though. who's going to be the last one laughing when i'm an old and crotchety bachelor? makes you wonder.
Monday, 27 July 2009
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Currently
Put Your Ghost to Rest
By Kevin Devine
Heaven Bound and Glory Be
see relatedrestless
it's late, the mind is wandering, i feel unaccomplished... naturally, i find myself back on the old weblog.
i can look back and think of all the hours i've wasted trying to capture thoughts and emotions into words, only to wake up the next morning, reread what i've preserved in text, and laugh at how ridiculous i sound. i think for this reason, i've been letting the habit of keeping this journal slowly die. i mean, with what consequence, right? the time i spend here sitting and reflecting on the day could be better spent actually physically making things happen in the here and now.
i've been finding out otherwise. though it may not be healthy to linger in the past and digest every seemingly significant moment throughout my life. plenty of people barrel through life and do great things by always setting their minds forward, but it's not how i function. though i haven't spent the time to undergo some serious introspection, reflecting on the past couple of years, i can see how it's been affecting how i run my life.
i'll cut this short: i'm not happy. my conscience has been withering away, and i'm losing touch with the things and people that matter. i can't say i have many regrets.. i'm just not happy.
i have some promises to fulfill. and work to do.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
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self static
the creative mind is definitely a muscle that needs to be continuously stretched to be of any worth. the teachers have been trying to warn us for years about the danger of idle minds. but just like muscles, innervating those fibers awakens an old familiarity with the motion; it just takes a little more effort to squeeze any output of worth.
though the setting for writing publicly has changed a bit since i last wrote in this, the conditions are still the same. no more audience really -- it seems like this method of communicating thoughts to the world died with the advent of quicker, easier, more visual information. people want pictures, snapshot bios, status updates -- get to the juice quickly. i wonder what limiting yourself on Facebook achieves? beyond the practicality of privacy i mean. going for that mysterious type, while still reserving for yourself a link to the rest of the Facebook community?
i guess the reason blogging died out is that in the widespread public sense, it was a little too candid. and for people who couldn't or didn't portray any depth in their daily entries, it was just annoying. it's still a good public forum to exercise that writing muscle that i've been neglecting for the past few years. 'cause i do want to get my thoughts out there. even if it's a message in a bottle thrown into the sea and the probability is one out of a billion that another human will come across it. the thought feels a little less wasted.
it's important to keep tabs on thoughts. nothing quite so volatile as the human mind on a thinking spree. i wonder what's happened to all the ideas i've had that i thought were worth thinking about (at the time). not worth a second thought, i guess.
maybe to run a maintenance check too. make sure it's still working properly.
more to follow. drowsiness is the cuprit.
Friday, 18 January 2008
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psychobabble
late at night feels right but isn't like reality i actually tend to bend what logical ends my brain makes to defend the last of rationale left lest i lose myself to rash impulse like if i let myself be myself and tell me what's really been eating me recently most truly madly deeply i can't be but could be i would be if she'd be would she be? i need it to deafen the distortion distorting my definitely contorted and infinitely shortened sense of awareness but i could care less it's just stress it's really best if i could just could i just just could i please could i just fucking shut the fuck up the fucking noise in my head
